Sunday, April 29, 2012
small big steps.
its been said you have to start somewhere. so here i am sitting on my living room floor (which smells like burnt plastic?) but not be to confused with laying on the floor, although that sounds way better right about now. i am pondering all of lifes questions....thats a lie, i am thinking how much i hate running and how long i put it off. but i am also thinking about my life, which i seem to do often. i am incredibly blessed, i live a life of abundance. i have more then enough money, friends, food, love, laughter and opportunities. i am forgiven and set free, i have the coolest jobs, i spend my free time with the most amazing men and women and three adorable boys. more often then not i forget that. crazy i know. i live in a beautiful house (which i helped design and my land lords are pretty great) with three awesome women who constantly support me and love me. but enough about that...for now.
most of my life or at least for as long as i can remember i have been a suppressor. i suppress my emotions, i avoid conflict and confrontations at all costs. like really ALL cost. i dont like people to know how i feel. when i was younger i did it because well i dont know really..but now i do it because i dont want people to know how things can affect me or that they could hurt me. because we are broken people and most of the times I've been vulnerable (i HATE that word) in my life it ended up really messy or i got hurt, deeply. i like to ignore my feelings and deal with them on my own, which honestly never works. we arent made to this is life thing on our own. as a woman i am designed to talk, share my feelings and all that jazz. i am constantly telling women to "talk it out and cry because its unhealthy to hold it in, let it out.".... <----- clearly i need to take my own advice, hardest thing ever.
i believe that vulnerability is key to growth, whether its in relationships or friendships it is key. so once again i need to take my own advice huh? crap.
i've had a lot of people tell my empty promises in my life, A LOT. i've had a lot of people leave me when i needed them most, A LOT. but without them i wouldnt be where or who i am today. really. at times i hate to admit that because i also like to avoid admitting to what my life used to look like because who i was- was awful. and by awful i MEAN awful. i lived for the moment, in the moment and for myself. i didnt think twice about what i was doing and how it may affect my life ever, especially in the future. so here i am in the future suffering a lot of those consequences. worst part is i know some of those consequences arent over yet. but with that i know that God will give me grace, strength and all that i need to push through it. He will insure that i will grow from it and He wont leave me. its going to suck but to do it alone would be hell. i know that the road i have chosen will be hard, shoot it is already, but i know its going to be worth it.
back at passion in January one of the speakers spoke about vulnerability and i know without a doubt that God had me there listening for reason.
i want to grow and i want to follow Him so i have to suck up my pride and let go of my fears. i will get my feelings hurt and my heartbroken but it will be good. i will want to hold back, and not let people in but i have to. i really do. for a while now i've avoiding a lot of conversations and situations because i know that it will lead to hard conversation or telling people who i am and why.
Isaiah 40:28-31, read it. i am :)
Monday, April 16, 2012
just some thoughts on life.
this post may end up being rather A.D.D...just some fair warning.
these past few months have been rather strange for me. i once again decied to add to the choas of my life by getting another job. i am now working four jobs, i started nannying three days a week for a couple of hours in the afternoon. so far its been fun and hasnt really effected me in negative way....which i am assuming is a good sign, but we will see ha!
one of the women who led my trip to Swaziland is going back this week. she lives here in colorado, so we've been able to meet up a few times for coffee and dinner. i can honestly say not only was she a HUGE part of my trip and relationship with Christ there but she has been without a doubt a HUGE influence on me and help here. i am so excited for her to go back and to do even more with the Swazis. she and i have talked about a possible extended stay visit to her to help. so be praying about that. i obviously want to go back so badly and it would be so incredible to stay with her and work with her again, but as always i need to seek God and His will and His timing on this.
today i was listening to a song by one of my very most favorite bands NEEDTOBREATHE, the song was streets of gold. one of the lines was "its easy to say there's a reason for this, much harder to know what we say is true". lately i've definitely felt that way. if it was all up to me and my timing i wouldnt be here, i would be in Africa and married. but its not up to me and my timing isnt right. His is, and He is in control. more often then not i am more then ok with my life in God hands, because i've tried for years to do it on my own terms and i messed it up royally every time. but then there are those times when i wish i was in control because then i would have what i want when i want it.
one weekend my pastor spoke about how God takes things away from us not because He wants to hurt us but rather because those things will end up hurting us......shoot. once again i am convicted about how I want thing when I want them and how I want them. i sound so selfish and childish for starters and let me just state the obvious, i will hurt me. God will send me back in His timing, He will send my husband in His timing. i am here in colorado working four jobs, leading a community group, helping out with the college ministry and serving single moms because He is preparing me for what He has in store. once i step away and take a look at the bigger picture i feel rather foolish. because i know that His plan and timing are going to be so much better then mine. so why cant i just trust Him? why cant i let go of my timing and ideas of what my life should look like?
i guess what i'm trying to get at is that starting right now, this very second i'm choosing Him, i'm choosing to let go of my expectations and take a hold of Him and His promises....again. i know He gives me grace but its so frustrating knowing what i know about Him and knowing what i know about me and still trying to do it my way, and getting frustrated when His timing and my timing dont line up.
i have THE best support system ever. my family and friends love me and encourage me always. i've gotten the most wonderful texts and comments on facebook from them and i cant thank you enough. i love how often i am reminded of my worth and how much i am loved. God is so good.
these past few months have been rather strange for me. i once again decied to add to the choas of my life by getting another job. i am now working four jobs, i started nannying three days a week for a couple of hours in the afternoon. so far its been fun and hasnt really effected me in negative way....which i am assuming is a good sign, but we will see ha!
one of the women who led my trip to Swaziland is going back this week. she lives here in colorado, so we've been able to meet up a few times for coffee and dinner. i can honestly say not only was she a HUGE part of my trip and relationship with Christ there but she has been without a doubt a HUGE influence on me and help here. i am so excited for her to go back and to do even more with the Swazis. she and i have talked about a possible extended stay visit to her to help. so be praying about that. i obviously want to go back so badly and it would be so incredible to stay with her and work with her again, but as always i need to seek God and His will and His timing on this.
today i was listening to a song by one of my very most favorite bands NEEDTOBREATHE, the song was streets of gold. one of the lines was "its easy to say there's a reason for this, much harder to know what we say is true". lately i've definitely felt that way. if it was all up to me and my timing i wouldnt be here, i would be in Africa and married. but its not up to me and my timing isnt right. His is, and He is in control. more often then not i am more then ok with my life in God hands, because i've tried for years to do it on my own terms and i messed it up royally every time. but then there are those times when i wish i was in control because then i would have what i want when i want it.
one weekend my pastor spoke about how God takes things away from us not because He wants to hurt us but rather because those things will end up hurting us......shoot. once again i am convicted about how I want thing when I want them and how I want them. i sound so selfish and childish for starters and let me just state the obvious, i will hurt me. God will send me back in His timing, He will send my husband in His timing. i am here in colorado working four jobs, leading a community group, helping out with the college ministry and serving single moms because He is preparing me for what He has in store. once i step away and take a look at the bigger picture i feel rather foolish. because i know that His plan and timing are going to be so much better then mine. so why cant i just trust Him? why cant i let go of my timing and ideas of what my life should look like?
i guess what i'm trying to get at is that starting right now, this very second i'm choosing Him, i'm choosing to let go of my expectations and take a hold of Him and His promises....again. i know He gives me grace but its so frustrating knowing what i know about Him and knowing what i know about me and still trying to do it my way, and getting frustrated when His timing and my timing dont line up.
i have THE best support system ever. my family and friends love me and encourage me always. i've gotten the most wonderful texts and comments on facebook from them and i cant thank you enough. i love how often i am reminded of my worth and how much i am loved. God is so good.
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