Thursday, April 23, 2015

Ugly words


This week is national infertility awareness week. 

What an ugly word. Infertility. It just sounds and looks awful. I looked up the definition of that ugly word, and that didn't help either: Unproductive, sterile, barren. Ew. 

Not only is the word ugly but no one ever talks about it. Especially not me, which just makes the feelings I get when I think about it so much worse. Like it's an ugly secret I have to keep to myself. 

Anyone who knows me knows about my fear of giving birth. It's real. Most people laugh at my reaction to all their terrible horror stories of labor and delivery. But that fear of the delivery process has always gone hand in hand with my fear of being infertile. 

Growing up I always wanted to be a mom. I don't remember ever not wanting to have children someday. The Instinct comes naturally to me. I was always the "mom" among my group of friends, and I've been watching other people's kids since I was 11, babies love me!

But, here's the flip side of my history: when I was 13 years old I knew something was wrong. I went to a not so great doctor who without running any tests put me on birth control to help with irregular periods that I had been having for years at this point. (Sorry if that's TMI, but this might get worse so...)

Had this random doctor run any test she would have found cysts all over my ovaries that were causing not only the irregular periods but also the debilitating cramps days before, during and after, awful acne, excessive hair growth on my face and the male pattern balding. At 13!!! Oh and the super fun weight gain. Yay! 

Sadly it wasn't until my early twenties that I would finally get the diagnosis of poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Talk about more ugly words. And not only do I live with and struggle with the symptoms listed above but I also have a higher miscarriage rate and infertility issues.

Getting that diagnosis was both relieving and scary. Relieving in that I finally got the answer as to why I was feeling like a crazy person; getting a period every five to ten days and not being able to lose weight or keep hair off of my face or on my head. But scary because the doctor was validating my worst fear... I had fertility issues. I, the mom of my friend group and girl with the body made for having babies, may not be able to have kids?

I felt like I was broken. I was not a real woman. I was not worthy. 

The worst part of it all was that I felt alone in my struggles, and didn't tell anyone. I didn't talk about it, and I still don't like to. I was, and am, allowing my fears and shame to consume me and steal joy from my life. It's easier to share something you were struggling with, it's much harder to share when it's something you are struggling with. And this is something I am struggling with.

But because of my silence, I'm not allowing others to see how God is using, and will continue to use my story, and see Him move. 

I still remember telling my husband about it all when we started dating, and praying he wouldn't change his mind and break up with me. In my mind it was hard to believe or comprehend that someone would want to date or marry a girl who may or may not be able to have children? Those fears were compounded even more because of knowing his story and his intensified desire to have biological children because of being adopted, and that made the conversation even harder. 

I've always wanted to adopt but I have also wanted to have at least one biological child, or at least have the option to decide for myself. 

Like most, if not all women, I dreamt of getting pregnant quickly or without really "trying". I wanted to go off birth control and get pregnant unexpectedly. But here we are a year into being off birth control and on medications to help ovulation, and we've had no "surprise" moment yet.

Because of the PCOS I don't ovulate, and without ovulation not only is it harder to conceive, but I also get very large ovarian cysts that burst (which happened this past December). The meds make me nauseated, mess with my stomach, I can't eat sweets or drink on them (not that I really need to ingest either of those, but on occasion it would be nice to do so without wanting to puke), and if I don't eat when I take them I vomit. They aren't fun, and they are just the start of fertility medications, and these side effects are nothing compared to the other side effects I could face in the future. Which can get overwhelming and scary to think about.

So here is where I'm at now: the past couple of months have been the hardest yet. Seeing pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement has, without a doubt, made it harder for me to continue to trust Gods plan and timing, for us. It doesn't help that people are constantly asking when we plan on having children or telling us we need to start soon because of Levi, or whatever else.

I know their intentions are good, but each comment intensifies my emotions and my desire to keep our struggles a secret. I often play the "we aren't ready yet" card, or brush it off, but the truth is Stefan and I are struggling with infertility. We already knew we would have a hard time, so we started actively trying to have kids a lot sooner than most people even realize, and we've been struggling silently in the process.

The truth is, just like with any season of life that is especially hard, or a season of waiting, each day is different. Most days I'm ok, but other days I want to crawl back into bed and never leave. Some days I want scream and others I am thankful we aren't pregnant yet. Sometimes trusting God is easy and other times it feels impossibly hard and just out of reach.

BUT with all this unpleasant stuff going on, there is beauty and joy in it. I say that because, on the good days, I have hope. I have hope because God is in control. He has a plan bigger than my own. And I have the most wonderful family and friends who are praying for us daily. Who pray for my heart and my body, and who pray for my marriage.

I am learning, and re-learning to trust God, His plan and His healing hand, which has never be easy, but when I do let go His peace overwhelms me and I am comforted. 

I wrote this blog for two reasons. 1: To stop letting fear and shame run my life, and allow others to know so that they can be praying for us. 2: For all the other women I know who think that they are alone, and are letting shame hold them captive in isolation. You are not alone in your struggles, I am right there with you. But not only am I there with you but so is the God of the universe who can move mountains, and He has a plan for you. So let's share the burden and lean on Him together.

These verses have given me so much more peace and comfort in this. 

John 16:33 
I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart I have overcome the world. 

Ephesians 3:20 
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. 

Exodus 33:14 
The Lord replied "my presence will go with you and I will give you rest"