Ugly words

This week is national infertility awareness week. 

What an ugly word. Infertility. It just sounds and looks awful. I looked up the definition of that ugly word, and that didn't help either: Unproductive, sterile, barren. Ew. 

Not only is the word ugly but no one ever talks about it. Especially not me, which just makes the feelings I get when I think about it so much worse. Like it's an ugly secret I have to keep to myself. 

Anyone who knows me knows about my fear of giving birth. It's real. Most people laugh at my reaction to all their terrible horror stories of labor and delivery. But that fear of the delivery process has always gone hand in hand with my fear of being infertile. 

Growing up I always wanted to be a mom. I don't remember ever not wanting to have children someday. The Instinct comes naturally to me. I was always the "mom" among my group of friends, and I've been watching other people's kids since I was 11, babies love me!

But, here's the flip side of my history: when I was 13 years old I knew something was wrong. I went to a not so great doctor who without running any tests put me on birth control to help with irregular periods that I had been having for years at this point. (Sorry if that's TMI, but this might get worse so...)

Had this random doctor run any test she would have found cysts all over my ovaries that were causing not only the irregular periods but also the debilitating cramps days before, during and after, awful acne, excessive hair growth on my face and the male pattern balding. At 13!!! Oh and the super fun weight gain. Yay! 

Sadly it wasn't until my early twenties that I would finally get the diagnosis of poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Talk about more ugly words. And not only do I live with and struggle with the symptoms listed above but I also have a higher miscarriage rate and infertility issues.

Getting that diagnosis was both relieving and scary. Relieving in that I finally got the answer as to why I was feeling like a crazy person; getting a period every five to ten days and not being able to lose weight or keep hair off of my face or on my head. But scary because the doctor was validating my worst fear... I had fertility issues. I, the mom of my friend group and girl with the body made for having babies, may not be able to have kids?

I felt like I was broken. I was not a real woman. I was not worthy. 

The worst part of it all was that I felt alone in my struggles, and didn't tell anyone. I didn't talk about it, and I still don't like to. I was, and am, allowing my fears and shame to consume me and steal joy from my life. It's easier to share something you were struggling with, it's much harder to share when it's something you are struggling with. And this is something I am struggling with.

But because of my silence, I'm not allowing others to see how God is using, and will continue to use my story, and see Him move. 

I still remember telling my husband about it all when we started dating, and praying he wouldn't change his mind and break up with me. In my mind it was hard to believe or comprehend that someone would want to date or marry a girl who may or may not be able to have children? Those fears were compounded even more because of knowing his story and his intensified desire to have biological children because of being adopted, and that made the conversation even harder. 

I've always wanted to adopt but I have also wanted to have at least one biological child, or at least have the option to decide for myself. 

Like most, if not all women, I dreamt of getting pregnant quickly or without really "trying". I wanted to go off birth control and get pregnant unexpectedly. But here we are a year into being off birth control and on medications to help ovulation, and we've had no "surprise" moment yet.

Because of the PCOS I don't ovulate, and without ovulation not only is it harder to conceive, but I also get very large ovarian cysts that burst (which happened this past December). The meds make me nauseated, mess with my stomach, I can't eat sweets or drink on them (not that I really need to ingest either of those, but on occasion it would be nice to do so without wanting to puke), and if I don't eat when I take them I vomit. They aren't fun, and they are just the start of fertility medications, and these side effects are nothing compared to the other side effects I could face in the future. Which can get overwhelming and scary to think about.

So here is where I'm at now: the past couple of months have been the hardest yet. Seeing pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement has, without a doubt, made it harder for me to continue to trust Gods plan and timing, for us. It doesn't help that people are constantly asking when we plan on having children or telling us we need to start soon because of Levi, or whatever else.

I know their intentions are good, but each comment intensifies my emotions and my desire to keep our struggles a secret. I often play the "we aren't ready yet" card, or brush it off, but the truth is Stefan and I are struggling with infertility. We already knew we would have a hard time, so we started actively trying to have kids a lot sooner than most people even realize, and we've been struggling silently in the process.

The truth is, just like with any season of life that is especially hard, or a season of waiting, each day is different. Most days I'm ok, but other days I want to crawl back into bed and never leave. Some days I want scream and others I am thankful we aren't pregnant yet. Sometimes trusting God is easy and other times it feels impossibly hard and just out of reach.

BUT with all this unpleasant stuff going on, there is beauty and joy in it. I say that because, on the good days, I have hope. I have hope because God is in control. He has a plan bigger than my own. And I have the most wonderful family and friends who are praying for us daily. Who pray for my heart and my body, and who pray for my marriage.

I am learning, and re-learning to trust God, His plan and His healing hand, which has never be easy, but when I do let go His peace overwhelms me and I am comforted. 

I wrote this blog for two reasons. 1: To stop letting fear and shame run my life, and allow others to know so that they can be praying for us. 2: For all the other women I know who think that they are alone, and are letting shame hold them captive in isolation. You are not alone in your struggles, I am right there with you. But not only am I there with you but so is the God of the universe who can move mountains, and He has a plan for you. So let's share the burden and lean on Him together.

These verses have given me so much more peace and comfort in this. 

John 16:33 
I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart I have overcome the world. 

Ephesians 3:20 
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. 

Exodus 33:14 
The Lord replied "my presence will go with you and I will give you rest"

Becoming mom....

I am now a parent, a mom, well legally at least. Levi is 15 so calling me mom isn't exactly going to come naturally or ever. Plus if you do the math that makes me 10 almost 11 years older than him so even if he wanted to call me mom it would be a little awkward for others to hear.

If I were to say things have been easy or smooth every parent would know I was lying. Weather your child is an infant or out of the house you know how hard it is to be parent. So for those of you who do not have children allow me to give you some insight as to what life is like with kids or at least a teenager....

Long gone are the days of quiet....seriously he makes so much more noise than I ever thought. Not that I ever thought our house was ever that quiet but now looking back it was so peaceful and quiet. Because Levi still doesn't know very many people or the area very well he stays home A LOT which only makes our tiny house feel smaller and Levi seem louder.

I all too often here the following: "I'm hungry", "I need help with my homework" "I don't want to do my homework" "My stomach hurts" " I need_____" "Get me some chips" "Get me____" "Stop it Mollie" "Gah you're so annoying" "I don't like you" "you can't tell me what to do" "You don't know" "Shut up" "Go away" "Leave me alone" "Back off me" "Call Stefan". Just to name a few...

And all too often I find myself saying "Levi stop" "I am serious" "Wait until Stefan comes home" "If you don't want me to talk about your balls then don't talk about them around me" "GROSS!!" "NO, I said stop" "Oh my gosh" 'Turn that down" "Chew with your mouth closed" "I don't care what you think or want to do" "I do love you"

Many nights after a long dinner, discussion about his attitude and homework I end up wide awake worrying. Worrying about his grades, his friends or lack there of, his attitude, how the next four years are going to turn out, how we are going to ever add a baby into the mix (NOT that I am pregnant or wanting to be right now), worrying about finances and wanting to call my own parents to apologize for the awful teenage years of my own life. Shoot even calling my teachers from high school to apologize.

I truly love Levi, I love his personality, his sweet heart, his loyalty and his goals in life. He drives me crazier than anyone else which is saying a lot seeing as I have a husband who does the same ha! But when he sits on the couch with me to tell me about his day at school with such excitement and urgency in his voice my heart breaks. It breaks for the little boy who didn't have a "normal" childhood, who has to be the man of the house his entire life, the little boy who was never a little boy. But my heart also melts, I love those moments they make me feel like maybe just maybe we are doing something right.

I have always been aware of what a privileged and wonderful childhood I had but since Levi came into my life back in 2012 I have become painfully aware of how protected and privileged I am. And just how important this time in his life is. Stefan and I have been trusted by God to make sure Levi graduates, is exposed to a healthy and happy family and most importantly His love. So we go to church as family every weekend, we eat dinner together as often as we can, we go to family stuff as often as we can and we have family movie nights tons.

There are far more hard nights than easy ones but I wouldn't change a things because I know God has a plan for this all and I know these hard nights will not only build Levi into the man God is going to use in big ways but they will also strengthen my marriage and faith. As I sit and reflect on the past five years I fall to my knees in awe of what God has brought me through and done with my life. Five years ago I was in Africa trying to figure out what God wanted from me and my life. What it means to follow Him and who I am in Him. If I had only known a tiny glimpse of what was to come......I can't wait to look back five years from now in awe of what God has done with Levi and his life. But in the same thought I want to focus on the here and now with Levi. I want to enjoy him and the season of life we are in.

So here I am on my knees asking God to get me through each day and asking Him to remind me to live here and now. Enjoying each baby step we take with Levi, each smile, hug and I love you.

A little life update that is over due.

             The past six months have been insane, as most of you have heard I have had some strange health issues that have caused me to slow down tons.  Back in March or February I started having some persistent nausea and stomach pain.  After about a week of trying to ignore it I finally gave in and went to urgent care one night.  5 months later, after countless trips to urgent care and the ER, after many days stuck at home unable to eat or drink, after countless appointments with “specialists,” we finally have an answer. I have Gastroparesis, which means my stomach isn’t emptying quickly or at all sometimes.

A normal or healthy stomach empties 10% of food or more within 90 minutes but my stomach empties less than 10% of food in 100 minutes causing a sharp stabbing pain and extreme nausea. The medications have awful side effects so I am not on them but I am instead on a very restricted diet.  I have to watch my dairy, fat (good or bad) and fiber intake.  I have been on the diet for about a month now and I am definitely feeling better.  I have more good days than bad days and my bad days are half of what they used to be. I am so thankful to finally be on the mend.

In the last couple of months a lot more than my health has happened.  I have also switched age groups at the Church, and I am now working with the elementary team.  I love it, the kids are hilarious, the leaders are awesome and the team is really fun.  The Kids area also had to go through some expansion and changes due to the high numbers of kids in each room on the weekends.  I was in transition to the elementary team when that all happened so I got to start in a new room just like all the kids and leaders which made my transition much smoother.  

My favorite part of working with elementary age kids is that they understand so much more of the lesson and want to talk about it more.  It is so fun to see hundreds of kids hear the good news that God loves them and has a plan for their lives.  And the kids will remember the leaders and how they felt more often.  Just like I did growing up, I often find myself thinking about all the awesome Sunday school teachers I had growing up and their impact on my life still. Pretty cool to think that one day some kid will look back and say I am who I am because in 3^rd grade my teacher told me God has a plan for me and I am valued in Gods eyes.

As my internship draws to an end I can’t help but be so very thankful for the past eleven months.  God has been so faithful this year.  I have learned so much about myself and about Kids ministry.  Stefan and I are so thankful for God’s timing with my health as well.  If this had happened a year or two earlier I would have been in deep water with work and financially.  Flatirons has been so understanding with me and incredibly supportive in my road to recovery and to get answers.  They have given me more than enough time for doctor’s appointments and time to heal.  This place has been such a blessing to us.  I have learned so much more about ministry, about my calling and about myself.  This year has taught me even more about my need to be dependent on God.  I could not have gotten through any of this without Him.

The BIG question most of you want to know is what’s next!  Well I am taking a part time job in the fall as a nanny.  I am so excited because we are adopting and it allows me to be home when I need to be and pays great.  Yes you read that right, we are adopting.  His name is Levi, he is 15 years old and a joy to be around.  Stefan did Big brothers Big Sisters for years and Levi was his “little brother”.  Stefan was matched with Levi five years ago and has been a great male figure and role model in his life.  Before we got married we had briefly talked about helping Levi out down the road with high school and after high school but our so called plans we expedited when Levi got into some trouble a few months ago. 

Levi is a good kid, he wants to become a Navy Seal one day and is very motivated to do so but he also lives in a rough neighborhood and has no father figure in his life.  He is currently living with his Grandma who was given custody of him and his two younger sisters when his mom went to prison 10 years ago.  His Grandma works at a hospital and just isn’t able to be there as much as they need her to be.

So we are going in front of a judge on July 16^th to start the legal process of adopting him.  We are so excited and so is Levi.  I know this is God’s plan because He has quite obviously opened each and every door for us.  At times I am anxious but the peace I have overpowers the anxiety.  So as you can see the nanny job is totally part of God’s plan as well.  I will be home around 3pm three days a week and will leave when Levi needs to be up so Stefan can take him to school.  We will be getting Levi involved with sports as well to make sure he keeps his grades up and stays out of trouble.

Stefan and I were also finally able to go on our Honeymoon! We went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico on June 17^th, just two days after our first anniversary.  We were also able to attend Stefan’s friend’s wedding while we were there.  It was such perfect timing, perfect weather, and a perfect trip.  We both loved the time together away and the wedding.  A fair amount of our friends were there as well so it made for a very fun trip, there wasn’t a dull moment. We are so thankful for all the gifts we got on our honeymoon registry because without it we wouldn’t have been able to go.  We are looking forward to one day going back. 

Although I am sad to be finishing my time here at Flatirons on staff I am very excited to be able to have a schedule that will fit perfectly with Levi, plus Stefan is still working here and we will continue to attend the services here. I will also be continuing to volunteer with the kids ministry on the weekends.  

I am so thankful for your support whether it was financial, or through prayer.  I am also thankful for all the encouragement I was given through this opportunity.  I wouldn’t trade this past year for anything.  I truly loved every aspect of my internship.  I am looking forward to what God has planned for us this fall. Thank you again for all you have given, I couldn’t have done it without you.

Please continue to pray for us as we embark on this adoption journey with Levi. And for Stefan’s wonderful job with the college ministry.   We appreciate all the support and prayers!

 

I was like "WOW"

Man life has been pretty great but oh so busy.

One of my very best friends got engaged!! Miss Erica and I met in 4th grade at Sunday school. We have seen it all together, break ups with crappy boy friends, graduations, learning to drive, big moves and now WEDDINGS!!! It is so fun. I truly couldn't be more excited for her, especially since she is marrying one of my good friends. I love that they were friends first and have such a strong foundation in Christ and in their friendship. Plus his twin brother and parents are pretty great :)

I also become an aunt for the first time!!! (Well biological aunt for the first time)

Randall Lee Owens III or Trey as we call him, was born on January 10th in the early morning hours. We are all so in love. He also seems to take after his "Grumpa Rando" and name sake quite a bit.

I moved ages again at work, I am now working in the Early Childhood department (birth-31 months).
Early childhood has been lots of fun on the weekends, most of the time I am literally holding babies! I have worked in the toddler rooms as well which is so much fun, I love their little personalities and voices. They are still little enough they want to be held but can talk and tell you all kinds of interesting and funny stories. But there is nothing like rocking a four week old baby for an hour. During the week I do a TON of laundry from the rooms, fill bubble machines and clean rooms to prepare for the weekend. At times I feel like I am doing more busy work with the age (which I am) than I was with preschool. I loved working in the preschool rooms, and miss teaching now. When we started this internship I had a feeling I would enjoy preschool the most and so far that is proving to be correct, not that I don't enjoy early childhood because I do. I just prefer to teach and the ages of preschool. I love seeing how these little ones get to hear about Jesus at such a young age, its so fun to hear them repeat back the bible stories. I have to remind myself often in the midst of the chaos of the weekend services that not only are we getting the honor of planting seeds of who Jesus is we also get to serve these parents. It is so humbling to know I am such a small part of Gods plan. Brings me to my knees.

Stefan started working again at the church and is loving it. So am I, our schedules are more in sync and we actually get to spend time together. In April the college team will be taking 50 students to LA to do some work with one of the organizations Flatirons Church partners with to fight sex trafficking. Stefan is so excited to see how God moves while they are there and how He moves in the students lives. He has a pretty cool job if you ask me.

In June we will finally be taking our Honeymoon which most people know was gifted to us by our friends and family. We are more than excited to finally get some much needed R'n'R! And to get away for a few days. We are also going to be there for a good friends wedding, which will be tons of fun, we feel so honored to be able to be there for their big day.

As the internship is flying by I have to stop and remind my self to slow down and enjoy this time. And to take advantage of every opportunity I get here. This year is about learning, growing and doing. I am loving this job and learning so much but I just need to slow down sometimes and seek God in everything.

I am such a slacker....wow!

Well its been over a year since I have last updated my blog and A LOT has changed. Stefan and I are now married, I quit my job at the assisted living, worked at Starbucks over the summer, applied was accepted and started my Internship at Flatirons in the kids ministry!

In April of 2013 after a few months of working under a new administrator at the assisted living myself and three other co-workers were forced to quit...its a long story but I struggled with my decision for a long time after but now have such peace with now and have seen how it was God's plan for me to move on.

About a month before the wedding I applied for the internship and interviewed for a job at Starbucks for the summer. I landed the job at Starbucks, got married and found out I was accepted into the program all within a week of each other. It was a bit of a whirlwind for those 3 weeks but man it felt good knowing God was in control and His plan for us was slowly being reveled.

Our wedding day was just perfect! I truly couldn't have asked for better day. The weather was perfect, everything went pretty much as planned and at the end of the we were married!! I am still so thankful for all of our friends and family for supporting us and helping us make our day so wonderful. My bridesmaids threw me the most perfect bridal shower, as did my moms friends. My bridesmaids were also so support and helpful when things got crazy with the plans and when drama arose. They even all stayed with me the night before the wedding in a hotel and chatted the night away. The ceremony went off without a hitch so beautifully. As did the reception, the food was amazing, the dancing was great and our cake was perfect. Not to mention our photographer was seriously THE best. She got every shot I wanted and many more. I really can't seem to say thank you enough to everyone!

Stefan finished his internship two weeks before our wedding and started working at a distribution warehouse right before the wedding so a "real" honeymoon was out of the question. So we drove to Las Vegas for a couple of nights. I hadn't ever been as an adult so we had to do Vegas right. We went to a show, ate lots and lots and at all the cool places and stayed in a beautiful room. We made sure to spend as much time possible laying out by the pool too.

Right after our honeymoon I started support raising for the internship (as many of you know!) God's provision for us was so evident through the whole process. It was hard for me to let go of control and fully trust God which is a constant lesson in my life. I am just so thankful for all of the support I was given not only financially (Which was HUGE!!) but also through prayer.

In this internship program we not only get to spend four months in each age group ( Early childhood which is birth-2 1/2 years old, preschool just under 3-5 years old and Elementary.) But we also spend 10 hours each month in a different ministry. In October all seven interns helped out in Kids ministry because of Fall fest, in November we spent our 10 hours in missions which of course was a huge deal to me and this month we are in student ministry. I have spent the last 3 months in preschool, mainly working in the 32-36 month room. The 32-36 month room is the first of the preschool rooms, the last room they don't have to be potty trained in and the only room in preschool where they do story time a little differently than the rest of the preschool rooms. I have taught in the 5 year old room and run circle time in the 4 year old room. Circle time is the preschool rooms time for small groups, they sit on a circle with a leader with up to 12 kids. The leader will ask them questions about the lesson they just heard and play a game or do a small craft that goes along with the story. In the 32-36 month room we only do one story for 6-8 weeks, where as the other preschool rooms will do a series for 3-6 weeks and don't have circle time. All of the preschool rooms do worship before the lesson, two songs with hand motions on a DVD. I love this part of kids ministry, we allow them to play, learn about Jesus and learn what worship is. And they love it!

 I am at the point in my internship where I am given more responsibility, so as of late I have been running the room by myself. I make sure we have enough volunteer leaders in the room to open, I make sure the volunteer leaders know whats new, the rules and what is going on and pray before we open the room. I am also the go to person if something goes awry, we have lots of safety rules and regulations so often things happen that are fairly minor but staff are needed. My first weekend on was a little nerve racking  but it was a pretty uneventful weekend. Of course I don't just work on the weekends so throughout the week while in the offices I have LOTS to do. Between emailing volunteers, planning upcoming events and series, meetings, setting up stages, making sure the circle bins are ready for the weekend and making sure the coloring pages are done I am busy. In January I will switch over to Early childhood, I am very excited for it but sad to leave my preschoolers.

Through this internship I have learned so much already. I worked here at Flatirons for almost two years before this internship so I knew how it all works and the environment but I have learned so much about our kids ministry and myself. I am loving this process and internship. I really am. At times it can get a little overwhelming with all the books we need to read, projects outside of our main ministry and all that we have to learn and be able to do but I wouldn't want to be doing any other job. I am so grateful for all the support and encouragement I have been given from our friends and family and I am so excited to see what is in store for us.

Here's to another year....

Seeing as yesterday was my 24th Birthday I thought I would write about all the things I learned this past year.

Twenty three things 23 taught me.

1). Waiting on the Lord and sitting idle are two VERY different things.

2). I am indeed attached to my hair

3). being so indecisive makes decisions with lots of options hard, real hard.

4). Pinterest made me believe I could be crafty.

5). Pinterest lied. Well not completely but it definitely gave me false hopes as to how crafty I am.

6). Stress and Chaos means shingles.

7). Being stung by a bee sucks more then I remembered, but then again before this last sting it was just an allergic reaction not both a reaction and an infection.

8). Taking chances with the cute new intern can lead to much more ;) 

9). My driving has gotten worse.

10). Dying my hair red is fun!

11). Taking on too much does make everyone around me suffer.

12). FH's name is not Frank Henry but Stefan. :)

13). In order to receive you must have open hands and an open mind.

14). I am not in control, what so ever.

15). Being oblivious sometimes ends well, although my spacey tendencies hardly ever work out in my favor.

16). Letting go of my expectations is the incredibly freeing. 

17). I am an old soul

18). I put God in a box more often then I like to admit

19). The routines I start now help in the future.

20). I am worse at remembering names than I remember...

21). I get hangery more then I thought (Hanger: hungry and angry at the same time)

22). I should have taken better care of my car.

23). Gods plan is SO much better than mine! (I learn that lesson ALL  the time!)

What a year this past year has been. It has had its ups and downs, but without a doubt a stinking good year. I met my FH, I learned some really hard lessons (like every other year), celebrated lots of fun stuff and worked hard. God allowed some really beautiful things to happen with me and infront of me despite my unwillingness to let go of my selfishness, but it only brought me closer to Him. To say that God is good just doesn't begin to express how good He is. Here's to another year full of His goodness, lessons, new adventures and growth.

What a weekend.

                              Well it finally happened. I am engaged!!


 This past Sunday (November 4th) after a wonderful weekend at my teammates wedding in Mississippi Stefan picked me up from the airport, took me home to nap and woke me up to take me to the movies. Little did I know Stefan had about 100 of our friends and families and co-workers meet at the movie theaters at 3pm. We arrived right about 3:30pm to a dark and very full theater. I being very oblivious and still a little tired paid no attention to the fact that a 3:45 showing of what seemed like a mediocre movie was rather full. We sat down in the front row of the upper section, as we sat down I noticed a group of young men sitting behind us. So I looked back, instantly they looked down or away from me so I just though they were some awkward teenagers. We watched one preview and then a home movie started....a video of Stefan and my dad! The first question was what was your first impression of Mollie? I lost it, I instantly became a blubbering mess. The video went on to talk about how we become an item, our first date, when he knew I was the one and all that. Then my dad starting talking, I couldn't even try and gather myself. At the end of the video some of the lights came on and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Through the tears I muttered out "yes!"  and the crowd went wild! I turn around to see that the very full theater was full of people I knew and love. It all suddenly made sense. I thought it was a little odd that Stefan's heart was beating so hard and fast that I could feel it in his right arm and we showed up so early for a movie and it was already full. After the shock of being proposed to started to fade I looked at those awkward teenagers to realize it was a bunch of men in their late 20's whom I've met.....lots! Then finally I took a good look at the ROCK on my finger! Now obviously I am going to be biased but this ring is stunning, the center diamond was a gift from Stefan's father to his mother when they found out they were going to be adopting him, his dad died when he was three so she saved the ring for all these years for Stefan to give to his future wife. So  not only is it beautiful and large but it has this awesome story behind it! I am still so impressed that Stefan planned this so well, it was truly perfect! To have my friends and family get to witness such an awesome step in our relationship was incredible as well. Stefan is pretty impressive, guess that is why I want to marry him :)

I am just over the moon. My heart is so full of joy and love right now, I can't wait to marry this man! So let the wedding planning begin. With my life already quite hectic and with the holidays rounding the corner I am going to be even more busy planning this wedding. But I can't even try and express how excited and happy I am right now. I am going to try and enjoy every step of the way for the next seven months. God is so good.