Last weekend I went on my church’s college age retreat to Estes Park. And to be honest I didn’t want to go for many reasons one being that I just didn’t want to spend the money or time. But after being asked by the pastor if I was going the guilt set in. so I registered and paid and after my father told me to shut up and go I went. I drove up with two of the girls in my community group, which was such blast. I was in a room with 4 other girls, two of which I already knew. When the first session started I knew I was supposed to be there. The theme of the retreat was everything, based off of Romans 8:28-32. After the first session we met in “family” groups of 6 people, I was a “family” lead. My family group was awesome; it was so obvious that Gods hand was in on picking us. 3 of us were raised by fathers who were police officers. Almost immediately we all opened up and dove right into things. The first night was so much fun, talking, laughing and bonding. On Saturday we had 2 sessions, the first one was 2 hours to have alone time with God. And at first I wasn’t feeling it, but then out of no where God asked me “why are you so afraid of marriage?” so I journaled about it for a couple of pages before I had to stop and pray. I started to realize it was because I wasn’t willing to give God my future, because I wasn’t giving my past either. Then it was time for family discussions so we all talked about what our time with God was like, which was great being able to hear how the others in my family group did with their time. Then lunch and the 3 session began and then finally free time. So I rested and hung out with some of my girlfriends. Later that night we had our fourth session, I was stoked because so far it was all going so well. Little did I know. The worship was amazing I really felt Gods presence. I was stoked for the talk. And so the talk began….it was like Jordan was talking to me. The talk was about giving God what you are holding on to. He gave us note cards and pens to write down what it was that we weren’t allowing God to have. I lost it, as the tears streamed down my face I realized I HAD to give God my future and my past because HE gave me everything, so in order to be obidient I had to give it to him. I sat for a minute after I had written on my card and prayed. I asked God to take this from me, to give me peace and I told Him I was done holding on to my future and my past, I was finally ready to let go and let Him take control of everything in my life. What I thought would be so simple was impossible, my fear of making the wrong choice, rushing things and not being good enough or too much was all I had left. It was the one thing I could “control”. I’m not saying now that I gave God my future all is well, no it’s not at all like that. I am still struggling with the fact that I am terrified of making the wrong choice and rushing things and not being good enough or too much, but I do have peace of mind knowing that God is the one in control and that He really does know best, and best of all that I am being obedient. I know that obedience isn’t the easiest of choices but I know it’s the right choice. This weekend not only opened my eyes and heart to what God desires for me but also confirmed what I was starting to believe and that’s I am supposed to be here in Colorado and that I need to just be still and wait for Gods call to go back to Africa weather that’s Swaziland or somewhere else, because He is in control of my future and He wants to use my past for His glory.
