Monday, April 23, 2018

Survivors guilt

Ironic isn't it, feeling guilty for finally making it out of the trenches?

I know I'm not alone in this either. Time and time again i've read or heard women say things like well it wasn't as long as most people or as bad..ummm it's still a struggle, less time or money spent doesn't make it any easier in that season.

Our round of IVF was ridiculously smooth. My pregnancy was the same. Thank God. I injected myself twice a day, took every pill, felt every symptom they warn you about...especially those 15 pounds..rude. the bloating, bruises, weird homormal crying and roid rage as i liked to call it. It was all weirdly peaceful, all those symptoms. It was like my body was telling me it got the message, that it was reminding me it was working.

Before IVF I was put on two different medications to help ovulation ( turns out I didn't need them as I was ovulating on my own), we did IUI's which are ridiculously timed inseminations, we are talking down to the minute here folks. We would do IUI with ovulations meds and HCG shots post ovulation to increase progesterone, which is the hormone you produce post ovulation to help sustain a pregnancy. And while all those meds "worked" they never resulted in a pregnancy. Once we started doing more tests with the IVF doctor we very quickly found out why. The misdiagnosis of PCOS and treatment wouldn't have ever worked for me. I had far too much scar tissues build up around my ovaries and all around the outside of my uterus that was completely blocking the eggs during ovulation from ever making their way back down into the fallopian tubes. Hearing the doctor say that honestly allowed me to breath. It was the explanation I needed. Because every month on those medications I would have 3-4 healthy mature follicles, everything would look PERFECT. But every month it would all fail.

I promised myself a few things, one was that during the two week wait for my period to start (or not) that I wouldn't take a pregnancy test until it was late. I also was told not to because the shots would give me a positive test.But I just didn't want to become even more obsessed. I was apart of a few facebook groups for those trying to get pregnant and no offense to those women but multiple times a day women would post a picture of a obviously negative pregnancy test asking for someone to "see" the second line. Now I can't blame them, every month you become more and more desperate to see two pink lines, so I get it but I just couldn't let myself go there.

The second thing I promised myself was not to buy baby stuff until I was pregnant. This promise was just like the last, I knew it would consume me even more if I were to let myself dream too much. I bought very early on into our journey a framed quote that said "baby makes three". That quote is from an old song called blue heaven, the line goes "just Molly and me and baby makes three.". I dreamed of being able to surprise Stefan with that and a positive pregnancy test. Obviously that never happened. In Fact I've never had a positive home pregnancy test, I waited for the blood test from the IVF doc and never felt the need to pee on one while pregnant. Weird, but I honestly get sad to think i've never had my own positive pregnancy test.

I don't know if this was a subconscious decision or what but my entire pregnancy I only ever bought each baby one piece of clothing just because. Most pregnant woman once they know they are pregnant at least buy a few things because they can and then again once they know the gender. But not me, I finally bought them something when I was over 7 months pregnant and it was because they were on sale. I remember that day vividly, I was walking around target to waste time before meeting friends and finally let myself wander into the baby section.

So back to this whole survivors guilt thing... when I speak to other women who have either walked through infertility or who are in thick of it I always have this internal fight with wanting to play off how hard and consuming our journey was because I don't want to discourage them or make their struggle feel worse. Just because this round worked doesn't mean the next will or that all those feelings have completely disappeared. I still worry a little all.the.time that this is it, that those perfect frozen embryos wont take, that things will take a turn for the worse with my endometriosis and I'll never carry another baby. I still cringe at pregnancy announcements, now remember just because I cringe doesn't mean I am not happy or don't like you, its just a PTSD reflex, nor does it happen every time.

I guess what I am really trying to say is don't downplay your journey. It sucks when it's not easy or "normal". You need to grieve that, let yourself. without Jesus my marriage and sanity wouldn't have survived. Or without my incredible, forgiving. patient and thoughtful friends who would bug me until I called them back, came to see me when I just needed a shoulder to cry on, sent text messages to make sure I was alive when I would be wallowing in my sorrows. Guys we had friends support us in every way possible, financially, emotionally and physically, find you those kinds of friends. And trust me when I say that finding a doctor that puts you at ease, has amazing success rates and you trust is key. So tonight have that glass of wine, get a devotional or book that reminds you that this does not define you and talk about the hard stuff with those who love you.


Tuesday, April 3, 2018

It has been awhile

I have neglected this bad boy for far too long. This has always been more of an outlet for me than anything else, so while going through IVF you would have thought I would have utilized it more, but obviously I did not. Ooops.  

So let's just get to it shall we? IT WORKED!!! IVF worked, not only was the egg retrieval successful in getting 13 eggs (10 of which were mature enough to be fertilized), all 10 grew into day 5 embryo blastocysts. Which is just medical mumbo jumbo for healthy and growing babies! We begged our doctor to let us put back two embryos as a fresh transfer, he agreed thankfully. The morning of our transfer we did had 10 (prior to starting meds we had to sign a ton of legal paperwork, one of which was an agreement for what we would do with any extra embryos or in case something were to happen to us. Stefan and I agreed we would eventually implant however many we had and trust Gods plan for us.) scary thought of having 10 kids but we had to let go of fear. Our doctor normally freezes the remaining unused embryos on day 5 but wanted to give five of the 8 unused embryos another day just to see how healthy they were. The following day those five had not continued growing so he did not freeze them, so unfortunately we will not be on TLC any time soon :) So he froze the remaining three unused embryos.

About two weeks after the transfer we got the call we had been waiting over two and a half years for...WE WERE PREGNANT!! I decided to wait and follow the doctors orders and not do a home pregnancy test and wait for the blood draw. Stefan took the day off of work to be with me as I had the day off. We decided to go to the movies as a distraction. less than 10 minutes into the second movie of the day my phone rang, my heart just about came out of my chest while I ran into the hallway to answer it. The nurse barely got the words out of her mouth before the tears ran down my face. "Congratulations, you are pregnant!!" There I was standing in the hallway of the same movie theatre where we got engaged sobbing because FINALLY it was my turn, FINALLY it worked, FINALLY I was pregnant. Because I was only four weeks we wouldn't get an ultrasound or find out if both embryos took or not until seven weeks into the pregnancy.

 Just before christmas we had a first ultrasound, not sure I stopped crying from the moment we walked in and the receptionist told us congratulations until well after we left. we saw the first healthy baby with a strong heartbeat, then the second and to our surprise a third sac.It was scary and overwhelming the thought of triplets but the third never became more than just a amniotic sac thankfully and had no negative effect on the twins. My pregnancy was incredibly smooth and outside of morning sickness (aka puke all day everyday for 20 weeks) that subsided eventually. I was obviously quite uncomfortable around 24 weeks and spent many hours in the doctor's office with my million appointments as a twin pregnancy is considered high risk. I made it to 38 weeks and was induced, at 38 weeks they will almost always induce with twins as at that point the risks outweigh the positives of  two weeks they might continue to stay in for. 

My delivery was insane. Bear was born first, he was head down from 16 weeks on so when it was time to push it didn't take long before he was born. My healthy 7.1 pound baby boy, full head of hair and calm as can be. Meanwhile Elliot had been moving around and sitting in every position throughout the pregnancy so as soon as Bear was born she moved even further up and went into the transverse position (her spine was along my ribs). for the next 40-45 minutes they tried to flip her...my wonderful doctor warm elbow deep and the second doctor was pushing on my stomach with an ultrasound trying to move her down at the same time. Elliot is too much like her mama, she was going to come into this world how and when she wanted...so my doctor got her down low enough in the breech position and i pushed a few times and our tiny 6.1 pound girl came out booty first, sunny side up with her legs folded to her ears. Lawdy. Stefan's eyes were the size of saucers just about the entire time. He was an absolute trooper, he was calm and supportive as he could be the entire pregnancy and whirlwind of a delivery. 

I know this is a long and word vomit post, sorry, long overdue. 

Those weeks during our round of IVF felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for bad news at every appointment and waiting for it to fail. Before the egg retrieval we had family, co workers and pastors at the church pray over me and pray for what was next. I was beyond anxious, hopeful and expectant. It was also healing in a way for me. To have it all work, without a hitch and so well gave me this hope that maybe just maybe all those other failed cycles and years of waiting were worth it. 

Looking back now I can without a doubt say it was worth it. We wouldn't have our Bear and Elliot, the timing (surprise surprise) was perfect. Jobs, housing, Levi and seasons were perfect. His plan was perfect. 

We get asked two questions more often then not. 1) do you want more kids? twins again? 2) why the names Bear and Elliot? 

We do want more kids, I want 100 more tomorrow. ha! No, but seriously we want more and have those three frozen embryos and in the near (ish) future we will implant ONE AT A TIME! while I love having twins and would do it all over again, but the pregnancy, breastfeeding and having two tiny babes while taking care of twin toddlers just sounds too hard. Now we could implant one embryo and have it split into identical twins still, however we have NO plans on having twins again. 

Bear was always Stefans pick. After watching Bear grylls on tv one day he became obsessed with the name. I joked and said sure long before we were even married and somehow it made the cut. I now can't imagine naming Bear anything else, it fits him perfectly.  His middle name is Michael, I wanted him to have the most normal and easy middle name in case he ever wanted to go by it. I had looked up the meaning of a few names and Michael means "who is like God". I also wanted him to have a name with some meaning so Michael it was. 

Elliot was my choice. I have always loved masculine names for girls and many moons ago decided i wanted to named my daughter Elliot. I also am obsessed with the tv show Law and Order: special victims unit, one of the lead detectives his name is Elliot Stabler. strange but true. Elliot's middle name is Joan, like Bear I wanted her to have a middle name with some more meaning and bit more normal if you will. One of Stefans closest friends mom Joan has been very influential in his life and helped him in so many ways over the years, she is such a wonderful loving woman. She has raised 5 beautiful  people who love everyone around them. Shes pointed to God in her own struggles and encouraged us throughout out years of waiting.  We wanted to honor Joan and naming Elliot after her was a no brainer. 


We are so thankful for every gift, prayer, congratulations and all the love we have received with these two. It may have taken us over two and a half years to get pregnant and over three years to finally have babies in our arms but we truly believe it was all worth it. Seeing God move mountains and show up in such extravagant ways will never cease to bring me to my knees. kissing my sweet miracle babies cheeks still brings tears to my eyes. 

Thanks for all the support and reading this and every other loooong and rambling posts I've written. maybe in ten years I'll finally get around to writing the real and raw post about IVF.