I know I'm not alone in this either. Time and time again i've read or heard women say things like well it wasn't as long as most people or as bad..ummm it's still a struggle, less time or money spent doesn't make it any easier in that season.
Our round of IVF was ridiculously smooth. My pregnancy was the same. Thank God. I injected myself twice a day, took every pill, felt every symptom they warn you about...especially those 15 pounds..rude. the bloating, bruises, weird homormal crying and roid rage as i liked to call it. It was all weirdly peaceful, all those symptoms. It was like my body was telling me it got the message, that it was reminding me it was working.
Before IVF I was put on two different medications to help ovulation ( turns out I didn't need them as I was ovulating on my own), we did IUI's which are ridiculously timed inseminations, we are talking down to the minute here folks. We would do IUI with ovulations meds and HCG shots post ovulation to increase progesterone, which is the hormone you produce post ovulation to help sustain a pregnancy. And while all those meds "worked" they never resulted in a pregnancy. Once we started doing more tests with the IVF doctor we very quickly found out why. The misdiagnosis of PCOS and treatment wouldn't have ever worked for me. I had far too much scar tissues build up around my ovaries and all around the outside of my uterus that was completely blocking the eggs during ovulation from ever making their way back down into the fallopian tubes. Hearing the doctor say that honestly allowed me to breath. It was the explanation I needed. Because every month on those medications I would have 3-4 healthy mature follicles, everything would look PERFECT. But every month it would all fail.
I promised myself a few things, one was that during the two week wait for my period to start (or not) that I wouldn't take a pregnancy test until it was late. I also was told not to because the shots would give me a positive test.But I just didn't want to become even more obsessed. I was apart of a few facebook groups for those trying to get pregnant and no offense to those women but multiple times a day women would post a picture of a obviously negative pregnancy test asking for someone to "see" the second line. Now I can't blame them, every month you become more and more desperate to see two pink lines, so I get it but I just couldn't let myself go there.
The second thing I promised myself was not to buy baby stuff until I was pregnant. This promise was just like the last, I knew it would consume me even more if I were to let myself dream too much. I bought very early on into our journey a framed quote that said "baby makes three". That quote is from an old song called blue heaven, the line goes "just Molly and me and baby makes three.". I dreamed of being able to surprise Stefan with that and a positive pregnancy test. Obviously that never happened. In Fact I've never had a positive home pregnancy test, I waited for the blood test from the IVF doc and never felt the need to pee on one while pregnant. Weird, but I honestly get sad to think i've never had my own positive pregnancy test.
I don't know if this was a subconscious decision or what but my entire pregnancy I only ever bought each baby one piece of clothing just because. Most pregnant woman once they know they are pregnant at least buy a few things because they can and then again once they know the gender. But not me, I finally bought them something when I was over 7 months pregnant and it was because they were on sale. I remember that day vividly, I was walking around target to waste time before meeting friends and finally let myself wander into the baby section.
So back to this whole survivors guilt thing... when I speak to other women who have either walked through infertility or who are in thick of it I always have this internal fight with wanting to play off how hard and consuming our journey was because I don't want to discourage them or make their struggle feel worse. Just because this round worked doesn't mean the next will or that all those feelings have completely disappeared. I still worry
I guess what I am really trying to say is don't downplay your journey. It sucks when it's not easy or "normal". You need to grieve that, let yourself. without Jesus my marriage and sanity wouldn't have survived. Or without my incredible, forgiving. patient and thoughtful friends who would bug me until I called them back, came to see me when I just needed a shoulder to cry on, sent text messages to make sure I was alive when I would be wallowing in my sorrows. Guys we had friends support us in every way possible, financially, emotionally and physically, find you those kinds of friends. And trust me when I say that finding a doctor that puts you at ease, has amazing success rates and you trust is key. So tonight have that glass of wine, get a devotional or book that reminds you that this does not define you and talk about the hard stuff with those who love you.
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