I truly wonder when you stop feeling like you're in trouble when someone says that to you. At what age does one feel adult enough to be like "yeah, we can talk" without saying in your head "oh crap, what did I do or say wrong?"
I recently watched an interview of a woman who was a news anchor on TV in England, who like me had gone through years of infertility, failed treatments and finally got her miracle baby via IVF. She spoke about how even at the IVF/fertility clinic she felt this need to put on a brave face and suffer in silence. She also spoke about the unspoken desire to keep the hope alive in the waiting room, despite how of all places it would be there in the waiting room of a fertility clinic you should be able to lose your mind and have everyone in the room 100% understand how you felt and be able to empathize with you.
Obviously that short five minute or less video resonated with me and got me thinking. If not there, if not at church, at work or even amongst friends then WHERE?
I've written a ton about how I was very vocal about our struggles and why I was so vocal. It still kills me when I hear or read about friends or acquaintances who have suffered a loss or are struggling and how alone they felt or feel unable to talk about it because it's such a taboo subject. Friends, 1 out of every 8 couples struggle to conceive and 1 of every 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Let me repeat that... One of every EIGHT couples struggle to conceive and one in every FOUR will experience a miscarriage. Do the math, that's a ton of your friends, family, co-workers and congregation. SO WHY AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT IT?
I am not saying you personally have to jump on facebook, instagram or shout it from the mountains but what I am saying is why aren't we as a society, church or work environment talking about it. Why aren't there more books, movies, blogs or conversations around this hard stuff. Its grief, real raw, ruin your week, marriage and finances type shit. (sorry mom, but uh let's be real here the word stuff just doesn't do this subject justice)
I worked two jobs, which was totalling more than 50 hours a week, picked up every babysitting job I could to pay for our fertility treatments since our insurance didn't even cover testing. I rode the rollercoaster of emotions every 28 days, watched as we went from debt free to maxing out a credit card or two.. and put on my brave face to attend countless baby showers for friends and then crying the entire drive home. Held my breath every time I went to the bathroom because maybe, just maybe this would be our month only to see blood. Cried every time I heard our pastors talk about how fertile our church was. It was awful.
My body is quite literally being plagued by a chronic illness that our society and culture have deemed taboo. More often than not I am in pain, I feel exhausted and my symptoms almost unmanageable. It took 15 years to get the diagnosis of endometriosis, far too many doctors and ER visits. I am still working on getting a new treatment plan as everything has changed so much in the last two years with pregnancy, breastfeeding and weaning. My desire to have more children is impossible to ignore. I dread and yet look forward to trying to grow our family more. We have three frozen embryos with no guarantee they will take. I dread the medications and the symptoms that they come with.Anyone who has struggled to conceive or struggled with miscarriages knows how you truly have to prepare yourself emotionally and physically for all that come with infertility treatments and the waiting game. What I wouldn't give for a surprise pregnancy.
My hope and prayer is that we can start talking about this all more. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. So NOT TODAY satan. Not.Today. In the wise words of Ali Wong "I have suffered enough".
P.S. Can we please stop asking twin moms things like "were they conceived naturally?" its rude and invasive regardless of how they were conceived. If I wanted you-stranger in the grocery store to know if my husband and I had sex or not I'd tell ya....