Monday, August 20, 2018

How to help a friend walking through infertility



Maybe I should have titled it "Shit to do and not do when your friend can't get pregnant"

sorry for the language mom ( and grandma!)

I should say I feel like I was one of the lucky ones though. Overall my friends were incredible in those years of trying. Partially because some of them were also unfortunately struggling. But seriously my friends loved me so well when I was the least loveable. So here is my advice if you have someone you love struggling to get pregnant

Call her. When your entire life revolves around timed sex, waiting for your period and appointments and test you already feel so lonely and invisible to the world. You feel forgotten and in this dreadful waiting for whatever comes next. She needs wine, laughs, good friends to tell her they love her with or without a baby or working uterus.

Make her get out of the house and live. Again she is living in this waiting period and every ounce of life is being drained from her, she needs to be dragged out of bed (or bring the fun to her) and back out into the world.

Remind her that this doesn't define her. I am forever thankful for my friends who would remind me of who Mollie is. I worked HARD to figure out who I was before this all and infertility redefines every aspect of life including your personal identity. You feel like YOU are broken, barren, incomplete and not a real woman. I know my identity comes from God, who sees me as whole, perfect and healed, so remind her that this isn't her fault or who she really is.

Be mindful of when you tell her your good news. Is she in the two week wait post ovulation? 24 hours or less before she undergoes a major procedure for IVF? Did she just miscarry? Headed to the doc? if you're answering yes, maybe just wait a little. There is no perfect time to tell her duh, but there are definitely better times.  Her reaction to your news is truly NOT a reflection of how she feels about you or that sweet babe. It is however a reflection of the season she is in, give her the space and time to process it all how she needs. I 100% of the time just needed a little time before my tears of pain became tears of joy for my friends.

When you do tell her, just tell her. Don't make it a joke, into some big discussion or anything. Don't walk on eggshells with her. She needs to feel like she isn't a child or even more of an outsider. Keep her in the loop, don't let her be the last to know, be honest with her about it all. She is still your friend so treat her like it.

Celebrate the little things with her. Every day that she is pregnant or every time she gets good news is worth celebrating. She is worth celebrating.

When its finally her turn LIVE IT UP! I have never felt so loved or supported more in my life then I did in our infertility journey and pregnancy. Which just made it all that much more survivable and incredible. My babies were prayed for and loved long before we knew their faces. ugh. I'm not crying...you're crying...ok. fine. I am crying.





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