just some thoughts on life.

this post may end up being rather A.D.D...just some fair warning.

these past few months have been rather strange for me. i once again decied to add to the choas of my life by getting another job. i am now working four jobs, i started nannying three days a week for a couple of hours in the afternoon. so far its been fun and hasnt really effected me in negative way....which i am assuming is a good sign, but we will see ha!

one of the women who led my trip to Swaziland is going back this week. she lives here in colorado, so we've been able to meet up a few times for coffee and dinner. i can honestly say not only was she a HUGE part of my trip and relationship with Christ there but she has been without a doubt a HUGE influence on me and help here. i am so excited for her to go back and to do even more with the Swazis. she and i have talked about a possible extended stay visit to her to help. so be praying about that. i obviously want to go back so badly and it would be so incredible to stay with her and work with her again, but as always i need to seek God and His will and His timing on this.

today i was listening to a song by one of my very most favorite bands NEEDTOBREATHE, the song was streets of gold. one of the lines was "its easy to say there's a reason for this, much harder to know what we say is true". lately i've definitely felt that way. if it was all up to me and my timing i wouldnt be here, i would be in Africa and married. but its not up to me and my timing isnt right. His is, and He is in control. more often then not i am more then ok with my life in God hands, because i've tried for years to do it on my own terms and i messed it up royally every time. but then there are those times when i wish i was in control because then i would have what i want when i want it.

one weekend my pastor spoke about how God takes things away from us not because He wants to hurt us but rather because those things will end up hurting us......shoot. once again i am convicted about how I want thing when I want them and how I want them. i sound so selfish and childish for starters and let me just state the obvious, i will hurt me. God will send me back in His timing, He will send my husband in His timing. i am here in colorado working four jobs, leading a community group, helping out with the college ministry and serving single moms because He is preparing me for what He has in store. once i step away and take a look at the bigger picture i feel rather foolish. because i know that His plan and timing are going to be so much better then mine. so why cant i just trust Him? why cant i let go of my timing and ideas of what my life should look like?

i guess what i'm trying to get at is that starting right now, this very second i'm choosing Him, i'm choosing to let go of my expectations and take a hold of Him and His promises....again. i know He gives me grace but its so frustrating knowing what i know about Him and knowing what i know about me and still trying to do it my way, and getting frustrated when His timing and my timing dont line up.

i have THE best support system ever. my family and friends love me and encourage me always. i've gotten the most wonderful texts and comments on facebook from them and i cant thank you enough. i love how often i am reminded of my worth and how much i am loved. God is so good.