small big steps.

its been said you have to start somewhere. so here i am sitting on my living room floor (which smells like burnt plastic?) but not be to confused with laying on the floor, although that sounds way better right about now. i am pondering all of lifes questions....thats a lie, i am thinking how much i hate running and how long i put it off. but i am also thinking about my life, which i seem to do often. i am incredibly blessed, i live a life of abundance. i have more then enough money, friends, food, love, laughter and opportunities. i am forgiven and set free, i have the coolest jobs, i spend my free time with the most amazing men and women and three adorable boys. more often then not i forget that. crazy i know. i live in a beautiful house (which i helped design and my land lords are pretty great) with three awesome women who constantly support me and love me. but enough about that...for now.

most of my life or at least for as long as i can remember i have been a suppressor. i suppress my emotions, i avoid conflict and confrontations at all costs. like really ALL cost. i dont like people to know how i feel. when i was younger i did it because well i dont know really..but now i do it because i dont want people to know how things can affect me or that they could hurt me. because we are broken people and most of the times I've been vulnerable (i HATE that word) in my life it ended up really messy or i got hurt, deeply. i like to ignore my feelings and deal with them on my own, which honestly never works. we arent made to this is life thing on our own. as a woman i am designed to talk, share my feelings and all that jazz. i am constantly telling women to "talk it out and cry because its unhealthy to hold it in, let it out.".... <----- clearly i need to take my own advice, hardest thing ever.

i believe that vulnerability is key to growth, whether its in relationships or friendships it is key. so once again i need to take my own advice huh? crap.

i've had a lot of people tell my empty promises in my life, A LOT. i've had a lot of people leave me when i needed them most, A LOT. but without them i wouldnt be where or who i am today. really. at times i hate to admit that because i also like to avoid admitting to what my life used to look like because who i was- was awful. and by awful i MEAN awful. i lived for the moment, in the moment and for myself. i didnt think twice about what i was doing and how it may affect my life ever, especially in the future. so here i am in the future suffering a lot of those consequences. worst part is i know some of those consequences arent over yet. but with that i know that God will give me grace, strength and all that i need to push through it. He will insure that i will grow from it and He wont leave me. its going to suck but to do it alone would be hell. i know that the road i have chosen will be hard, shoot it is already, but i know its going to be worth it.

back at passion in January one of the speakers spoke about vulnerability and i know without a doubt that God had me there listening for reason.

i want to grow and i want to follow Him so i have to suck up my pride and let go of my fears. i will get my feelings hurt and my heartbroken but it will be good. i will want to hold back, and not let people in but i have to. i really do. for a while now i've avoiding a lot of conversations and situations because i know that it will lead to hard conversation or telling people who i am and why.


Isaiah 40:28-31, read it. i am :)